Greedy goblin galore

July 19, 2009

After reading up a little on MMO-Champion and the Blizz forums today, I nearly wept. I felt my heart curl up and die, and my emotions were balancing on a border between insane sorrow and manical laughter. Have you heard the newest rumour regarding the next expansion?

Yes. They’re telling us that the character you might get to dance and prance around with at the next expansion, might be a goblin. Yes. A fucking green freak of a fucking goblin. I don’t do goblins. Really, I don’t. Some people don’t like ketchup, some loathe the music of Backstreet Boys. But I tell you, that’s nothing compared to the feelings I’ve gathered up for the goblins. I just don’t like them. I’m not going to rant on about how they’re disgusting and greedy. Christ, I’m playing undead. The race that’s in the Horde just to be able to do as they please and have sadistic and evil fun. That I can live with. Little ugly green creatures with squeeky voices and pointy ears however? Nay. Nay, nay and a thousand more nays.

I remember reading the Harry Potter-books as a young girl. I loved them. They had battles, they had magic and they had some pretty decent characters. Just like WoW. But then you had the house-elves in the novels. Freakishly small creatures with psycho voices and horrible looks. Wait, what? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Well, yes! They’re like undercover goblins! There were times I chose to skip pages while reading Harry Potter, just to get rid of those annoying little pests. But now what? How am I going to be able to skip seeing little green monsters in Alterac Valley, or in Stranglethorn Vale? I use enough energy trying to stay sane while visiting the auction house in Booty Bay or taking the zeppelin. Please Blizzard, do you really want to cause a poor little mage to completely snap?


If your plans really are to give us goblins to play with, chances are that you’ve already started the breeding of these pesty monsters. So, just to be nice, I’m not going to ask you to take all those freshly born freaks and just dump them away somwhere. No, no. I’m not that cruel. I have however a few tips on how to use all these oh-so-wrong-and-green-men:

New warlock-spell: Sacrifice goblin: The warlock summons a goblin from a secret place and sacrifices it in the most brutal way. This gives the warlock a buff that will make him almost as imba as us mages for 2 minutes. After that, he can rip out the guts of a new goblin.

New hunter-ability: Slaughter goblin: Might seem a bit similiar to the warlock-spell, but does in no way involve summoning of any kind. The hunter just digs up a goblin from the newly designed goblin bags, and sacrifices this to his pet. Preferable the most violent one and in a brutally sadistic way. As blood and intestines fly, the hunter and its pet will get a buff like the one the warlock is given.

New mage-spell: Nuke the shit out of goblin: This wonderful and superb new spell involves the mage summoning a portal that hundreds of goblins will wander out of. The mage will then automatically cast Living Bomb, Flamestrike and then a Pyroblast in the end. As the scorched remains of the green beasts lay smoking on the ground, the mage will gain the buff “Happy.” Which just makes the mage incredibly happy. (I know it would make me a happy mage.)

So… Any workers of Blizzard out there interested in my ideas? I am myself awfully ready to recieve my new Nuke the shit out of goblin-spell, so I’ll just kick back and wait for it to pop up on the PTRs. I know you can do this, Blizzard. Pretty please?


4 Responses to “Greedy goblin galore”

  1. Ercles said

    Better cross your fingers and pray that they will be available to both factions, that way you’ll get to kill some of them!

    Actually, that made me think of something. If the Goblins and Worgen become available to both sides BG’s will become incredibly confusing…

    • Naïve said

      Oh God. It’ll be huge fields covered in nothing but worgens and goblins. Goblins killing goblins, worgens killing goblins, a mage laughing at the dying goblins. Would be insane.

  2. Tamarind said

    New warrior ability: hit goblin in the face with an axe.

    New rogue ability: stab goblin in the back.

    New druid spell: turn goblin into butterfly


    • Naïve said

      Sounds like something I could enjoy. Wouldn’t mind seeing the druid one being changed to “New druid spell: turn goblin into butterfly and then crush it under your foot. With stilettoes.”


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